Update: I have contacted the local police about @filthypensioner's trespassing. If he touches @weirdhorse I will use force. Regards.

@age_uk Thanks for replying to my internet post. I will leave them around the ankles until Tuesday. Thank you and have a wonderful day :)

@filthypensioner GET OFF MY LAND. Regards.

I'm so old and confused. Why am I in a field with a horse? It keeps neighing and trotting sideways. It just kicked a goat, Am I dying?

@filthypensioner Get off my land you tosser.

@filthypensioner Get off my land you prick. Regards.

This is not me  http://www.thecourier.co.uk/news/local/perth-kinross/very-lonely-crieff-pensioner-repeatedly-inserted-hand-in-horse-s-bottom-1.95970 …

I am going to give away some free catering advice when I hit 12 followers. Please tell all your friends and say hello :)

I have just parked my caravan in a beautiful spot near a farm. I'm under a lovely oak tree and a horse is approaching. I am so happy :)

Hi I am new to Twitter. I am living in a caravan at the moment but I hope to own my own long boat and/or barge one day. Nice to meet you.

Hi @slimfastuk. I was wondering if you'd be happy for me to review some of your products on my website. Lord knows I need them. Regards.

I'm starting to think that my body is so large and in such disrepair that my family and friends no longer see me as a human being. Regards.

Just stepped on a slug and slipped over. I'm naked and covered in mud and slug juice. This is an appalling Monday so far. Regards.

Just walked past a mirror and looked in it by mistake. Now I'm in tears doing sit-ups but I know I'll never change. Fat for life. Regards

Forgive me for sharing this with you but I'm completely naked and covered baked beans. Regards

If I said you had a beautiful body would you look at mine and vomit? Regards.

I'll repeat: Signed calendar £2.50 and mug just £4. Celebrate my birthday in style. Enter 'Birthday' on site. Regards  http://www.weirdhorse.com/market.html 

Birthday deal: Signed Weird Horse 2013 Calendar - £2.50. Enter 'Birthday' at checkout. Regards  http://www.weirdhorse.com/calendar.html 

It's my birthday and I can reduce prices if I want to. Get ludicrously cheap Weird Horse stuff today. Regards  http://www.weirdhorse.com 

It's my birthday in one hour. I'm just so lonely these days. Last year I wrote 'Regards' in a card and sent it to myself. Regards.