Relax white people, black people have the "N" word. But we still have words like "Yacht", and sayings like "thanks for the warning officer".

They need to legalize gay marriage, cause who's not gonna watch gay divorce court on TV

My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!

Cop: do you know why I was following you?
Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me?
Cop:haha
Me:haha
Cop...
Me... Is it cause of the drugs?

Jesus take the wheel

~ Mexicans stripping a car

6yo: are we poor
Me: yeah
6yo: at least we have each other
Me: that's just something poor people say.

Cop: did you see that sign?
Me: yeah I saw the sign, * don't say it don't say*....and it opened up my eyes,
Cop: out of the car
Me: FUCK

At what age can you call your son a pussy? Is it six? I feel like it should be six.

"I wanna fuck you over" means two completely different things depending on whether you're talking in real life or on a walkie-talkie

My best conversations in life have all started with " listen here mother fucker".

I'm white, but i'm not "wave to the police" white.

Maybe Jesus went black, and that's why he isn't coming back.

I get it short people, I get it.

Oooops sorry typo,

I'll get it short people, I'll get it.

Just saw my friend in a gay porno... His secret has never been safer.

Porn has 2 volume settings:

1. No sound
2. I'm pretty sure everyone in my house can hear this

That's right sexy lady, I see you over there, looking at me, locking eyes with me, pointing at me, whispering to the officer "that's him".

Ever want to stab somebody with your car?

When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist.

My wife asked me to load the dishwasher.

So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking.

And that's how the fight started.

Cop: do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: what do you mean by drugs?
Cop: like illegal drugs
Me: what kind of drugs does the ill-eagle need