My 11 year old son just told me, "Mom, you are kinda the reason I don't want a girlfriend."

Hey sister wives....really, none of you are bi?

I always feel better when I see the same lady out power walking every day and she hasn't lost a pound.

Keeping with motto to learn something new every day..today I learned my dog won't eat cherrios.

If you are dating a doctor, let them wait 30 minutes every time you see them.

I FRIGGING Love it when my tweet is exactly 140 characters. Go OCD!

I used to read books, but keeping up with your lives takes all my free time.

In my next life remind me not to have children.

I don't have a paper shredder, so I just put everything in the hamsters cage and said, "have at it"

My special power is I am a mime reader.

I'm so cute Im wearing pink bobby pins.

Thanks to driod technology my son thinks we are having sloppy hors for dinner instead of sloppy Joes. Hope he's not to disappointed

My happy place is sitting by the pool, catching up with who has crabs on Twitter.

My friend suggested I do a five hour energy to perk up, but every time I pour a line on the counter it runs off.

Just because Im paranoid doesn't mean you aren't talking about me.

Want me to be on time? Put a fucking number on your house!

Just finished a statistical analysis of who I choose to follow....if you tweet about any body fluid or like math, I'm there!

I'm watching Mork and Mindy. What a great show, is Pam on twitter?

Dear Neighbors, STOP parking in front of my house. Someday I may get a friend who wants to come over.

No I was not starring you. I was wiping a booger off my phone.