I bet the ocean feels pretty stupid compared to outer space.

I'm beginning to suspect that Lindsay Lohan's entire life is just a viral advertisement for jail.

I hope Akin knows that even if he withdraws, we might still get pregnant.

I can't wait to see John Krasinski in the American version of The Hobbit.

By putting the words Brad Pitt, money & balls on a poster, it's like all you need to know about America has been distilled into a one-sheet.

Sometimes I eat a hamburger in my Lamborghini & I call it having a Hamborghini. Just kidding I've never left my house.

I think it was smart of Ryan Tinygoose to change his name to Ryan Gosling.

Adam Carolla admits there are at least 3 funny women! I hope next he will tell us where we can find a funny Adam Carolla!

If you grew up in the 90s & you are a pothead & you don't call your bong Chanandler Bong I don't even know what you are doing with your life

RT @anncoulter I feel so sorry for Mitt Romney, but sorrier for myself because of how my soul is a shriveled pile of dirt & bones & crumbs.

I have not seen War Horse yet, but Holocaust Cat was pretty good.

Honey Nut Cheerios is trending. Did they finally solve the Honey Nut Cheerios murders!?

Guys, it's not that bad,if you saw it spelled out it's "binders full of womyn."

Thomas & Friends is The Hills of the train world. #drama #dialitdowngordon

Fashion editors are always saying to mix high and low, so right now I'm eating a bologna croissant on a dressage horse with Joey Fatone.

I just found out I can get a LinkedIn app on my iPad so I threw my iPad away.

Lindsay Lohan smashed her car into a truck because she can't stop being a metaphor for her own life.

Counterpoint: Yes, fat chicks.

Great news! They just announced that Twitter is going to be shut down & all of our tweets will be erased & we never have to do this again!

I thought it was a very beautiful moment when Temple Grandin kindly ushered the long line of Emmy losers into her humane killing machine.