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Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a redheaded goth son named Ronald who did acid and talked to hamburgers and purple blobby things.
Fanny packs are cool if you wear them to the side like a gangsta.
I pick up my dog's poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I prefer women with facial hair, because they have a better chance of surviving a harsh winter.
"Some people say I'm an animal in the sack." - baby kangaroo
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
What's up with all of these commercials about a reptile dysfunction? These elderly fellows should worry about their own health first...
What if the Loch Ness Monster was a drowning giraffe? I bet you feel bad now, don't you.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a "Pregnant Only" parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Would someone PLEASE invent open toe dress shoes for men so I can show off my toenails.
I'm not afraid to call my guy friends "babe."
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I'll be on a short leash though so I won't run off into the woods like last time.
Are we absolutely sure that Serena Williams isn't the quarterback of the Redskins?
Please be patient and let me finish my long story that you don't care about. I want to hear your fake laugh at the end.
I was caught waving my hands in the air like I just don't care by some old people, but they thought I cared and waved back.
Most people don't realize the Hunchback of Notre Dame's back problems were a result of his grueling database entry job.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
French Fries in France are called American Dicks. Trust me, I've asked at plenty of restaurants over here.
Son, there's no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
What's the deal with ladies and showerheads? Can someone please explain this to me?...in great detail?..DM me, and don't leave anything out.
Harbinger of Breath. Destroyer of Words. Perspiring comic book writer.