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I pick up my dog's poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Fanny packs are cool if you wear them to the side like a gangsta.
I prefer women with facial hair, because they have a better chance of surviving a harsh winter.
What's up with all of these commercials about a reptile dysfunction? These elderly fellows should worry about their own health first...
Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a redheaded goth son named Ronald who did acid and talked to hamburgers and purple blobby things.
"Some people say I'm an animal in the sack." - baby kangaroo
Would someone PLEASE invent open toe dress shoes for men so I can show off my toenails.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a "Pregnant Only" parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Are we absolutely sure that Serena Williams isn't the quarterback of the Redskins?
I'm not afraid to call my guy friends "babe."
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I'll be on a short leash though so I won't run off into the woods like last time.
Most people don't realize the Hunchback of Notre Dame's back problems were a result of his grueling database entry job.
I was caught waving my hands in the air like I just don't care by some old people, but they thought I cared and waved back.
What's the deal with ladies and showerheads? Can someone please explain this to me?...in great detail?..DM me, and don't leave anything out.
French Fries in France are called American Dicks. Trust me, I've asked at plenty of restaurants over here.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Please be patient and let me finish my long story that you don't care about. I want to hear your fake laugh at the end.
When the kids are misbehaving, I yell "GET THE BELT!" because it's hard to reprimand them when my pants are constantly falling down.
Great job Subway. What better way to reinforce stereotypes than to hire black male athletes to promote $5 footlongs.
“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
― Mahatma Gandhi, who was later reincarnated as two pennies
The only business talk here is inspired by poop jokes, and fart sounds.