#ReplaceGleeSongsWithPointing 911 was an inside job

@garfield I hope this event is you getting euthanized, cat

I tip my hat to you, Asian guy wearing Mexican boots

@garfield you're a cat. you don't have free will

College parties? Pff duh i go to colleeg partys everyday dude. Bro why would i lie im going to a collage paryt right now. Prateis

Pretty much not gonna get hired ever if an employer reads my tweets.

you're a mean one, mr. grinch. you're a fUUUckin PIIIece of sHHIIIt

@love15go =0 =D you're a longhorn now! Hooooook 'em!

@love15go Abigail. Abi. Ab. Just go

Niggas wearing coats so thick even Inuits are envious. Um, it's not that cold

#HoesOutHereShapedLike trapezoids and tesseracts

Ya know, I'd be pretty upset if I didn't get ID'd when I buy drinks legally for the first time

Some wrong-number-person texted me saying "are we good to go Saturday night?" So I texted back yeah lol

Is it really gonna be cold now or is Texas playing love games with me

The difference between a new sorority girl and a seasoned one is about a headband and 2 shirt sizes

youporn, iporn, weallporn

Here's a haiku I wrote about bus people, titled "Bus People":

The bus stops again
Bus people are really weird
Take a shower please

@superweeninja *Opens up 4 Pornhub tabs* *Only gets to the 2nd tab* *Goes to sleep alone*

GRAMMAR FIGHT!
@esmexd
@luney_tun3s

Justin Bieber's collapsing under his own haughtiness like a jerk-interstellar cloud in a jerk-nebula that'll produce millions of jerk-stars