When you go to a Hannibal Buress show you never know what you'll see. #elmo #juggling #ballerinas #dj #ironman? pic.twitter.com/JguO7pAeRA

@birbigs Mike Birbiglia is nominated for Breakthrough Actor for his portrayal of Mike Birbiglia breaking through a window. #GothamJokes

I'm fine with stripping Lance Armstrong of his Tour de France titles, but making him take back his cancer seems a bit harsh.

Really? RT @twitter: Might get rid of my Twitter. It's way too distracting and there's so much more to life.

Zack Greinke tried the classic "rip your opponent's dick off" self-defense move last night. pic.twitter.com/Oiad5RuTnU

I bet people in the Dominican Republic are going absolutely plantains over this WBC championship.

At my nephew's flag football game. Apparently tailgating for a sport played by 5-7 yr olds is frowned upon. This country has lost it's way.

With the 9/25 game time changed to 1:10 to avoid Yom Kippur, I suggested a "Win one for the Kippur" ticket promotion. Suggestion denied.

Did the Hamburglar act alone, or was there a Hamburglar helper? #comedy #jokes #twitter #socialmedia #fastfood #burglary #mcdonalds #sorry

Satire is still a thing regardless of whether you find it distasteful. Also, most kids are cunts.

@richardmarx Phew. Thanks for clarifying. I was beginning to think that you're pro-hurricane.

Hey Mick Jagger, you weigh 120 pounds, tops....pretty sure a wild horse could drag you wherever the hell it wants to.

I'm fine w/ head shops conducting business despite federal marijuana prohibition, but if they try to sell actual heads I'll change my mind.

Hey @brave2009, if you really burst into tears over a Doritos Locos Taco you're emotionally unstable and a terrible food critic.

Wearing a full Bulls uniform to work until Derrick Rose stops wearing a suit to Bulls games.

Just bought a shirt that says "Do Dope. Fuck Hope."...best $20 I've ever spent. cc: @killermikegto

The guy who rode a jetski in hurricane-force waves is a jackass and the guy who jumped 128,000 feet from a helium balloon is a hero. Got it?

Woah. RT @barackobama: Hey @realdonaldtrump, here are all those documents you requested. Sorry it took so long! - B.O. pic.twitter.com/fwoIjvVM

The only way I would buy Cubs tickets today is if they matured into Bears tickets before September.

This shall be my final comment on the 2012 Chicago White Sox unless a 6-game win streak begins tonight. #sad #johnboy http://t.co/e2lmGVTT