Who picks up guide dog shit?

Fuck. I have a great fucking tweet but I'm 70 fucking characters over.

Nearly at 500 followers. I'm gunna wet myself! Not because I'm excited, I just have a problem.

"What's everyone's fucking problem?" - Lemons.

Nothing pisses women off more than men.

Hey you. Yeah, you. You need to breathe less.

4 people unfollowed me because I didn't follow them back asap. I've checked your TL's out now. My Mum tweets funnier shit than you lot.

"Do these jeans make me look fat?" No, but your sagging cellulite does.

Got new colours on Draw Something. Living the dream.

Why does Favstar look like a spaceship now?

Fuck sake. Arnold Schwarzenegger's name is too long to make a funny tweet about him and his long name.

What would life be like if winegums didn't exist? Better.

Does anyone else ever go out and have a 'good night', but wake up the next day with random bruises?

"need a boyfriend to keep me warm this winter oxooxx" You spelt coat wrong, cunt.

I am currently shitting out my Friday night. Feels good.

I put vodka in a bird feeder once. It was fucking hilarious.

Oh, darling, please. I've produced better looking shits than your face.

Hey guys. Guys, I've got a good one: What's scarier than commitment?



... Nope, I've forgotten the answer. I'm drunk and lonely.

My iPod just autocorrected 'cunt' to 'cuntballs'. I've passed out in awe.

I love it when people stop dead in front of me. I get the warm feeling to kick them so far up the backside that they shit blood for a week.