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Ever open a drawer to get something, forget what it was, close the drawer and immediately remember, only to have to open the drawer again?
How pathetic is it that I can't wait for this day to be over just so I can have a cup of coffee tomorrow morning?
I never grew out of that phase where I poop and then want to show somebody.
Just how many damn gold stars do I have to give out before the ladies start DM-ing me pictures of their tits? Somebody lied to me.
I just saw a woman with a beautiful smile but she had crazy "you're going to need a restraining order if we break up" eyes. I'm so smitten.
Twitter email notifications for stars, favs, RTs, and replies? I'd better turn that off because I just can't handle another 3 emails a week.
Hey, television commercials with doorbells that sound just like mine? Stop that.
Ladies, don't be jealous that you have to sit to pee; At least you don't have to pray it's just air if you fart while going.
In an apparent victory celebration over poverty, hunger, and homelessness, the excess will tossed off of buildings for entertainment on TV!
Yeah, you know I'm bracing for tomorrow when I've already set the coffee pot up tonight.
Toned, tan, fit and ready? More like doughy, pale, out of shape and maybe later.
Sometimes there's nothing better than a hot bath...except maybe a bee-jay, but until those start flowing from the tap this will have to do.
My finger hurts. I appreciate the Kegels you do, ladies, but seriously...take a day off or something.
I don't care how old I get, I never get tired of boobs.
Coffee: Consumed. Bowels: Unlocked.
I like to think of bacon as the skin-tags of angels.
Gonna start a fake journal with stories about the things I'm not doing and accidentally leave it out for people to see how great I'm not.
Apparently "You look tired, may I carry the bags under your eyes" is NOT an effective panty remover.
Waylaid by jackassery. King shit of the make-believe brigade. All sound and fury, signifying nothing. That's okay, I don't like me either.