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GF asked if I thought Mila Kunis was hot.
Apparently "I would sniff her panties while I jerked off at your funeral" was NOT a good answer.
It's all fun and games until HR sends an email with "Your Twitter Account" in the subject line.
Don't you dare fuck up my emotional argument with facts!
If someone, somewhere doesn't hate you then congratulations. You've never taken a stand or done anything worthwhile in your life.
Ladies if you bend over in front of your guy to do something & he doesn't smack you on the ass consider it an early warning sign of trouble.
My grandmother still looks at my grandfather starry eyed at age 85 & calls him her "hero."
I can't settle for less than that kind of love.
Just got a text that read "Are you fucking my wife?!?!"
Had to reply "Probably, who is this?"
I look at my 6 yo and I want to scream, "Don't be in such a fucking hurry to grow up!" But it usually just comes out as, "I love you buddy."
I want my last words to be one of the following:
1) How far down do you think that is?
2) She looks clean to me.
3) That is A LOT of blow.
Your pussy smells like Craigslist.
Ladies, if at first you don't succeed then marry rich.
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have had your slut of an ex-GF fuck your best friend at an Applebees you cunt Rachel.
Sexual deviant?! I'm not a sexual deviant! Fuck you!
*Checks Google Dictionary*
Dammit. I am a sexual deviant.
Listen bitch, if you're not on your knees with my cock in your mouth in the next ten seconds then I will wait.
Ladies- how many times do you think you've fucked up a great thing because you were being insecure?
Chill the fuck out. You're all amazing.
Don't get too comfortable motherfucker. I've got some SHIT planned for you.
Male, female, gay, straight, we all just want that one person who'll put their arms around us at night and promise that it will be ok.
I'm old enough to remember what it was like to jerk off to a woman's forehead cause of a slow dial up connection.
He knew exactly what the fuck Willis was talking about.
True love is seeing your girl in her granny panties and still getting a raging erection.