The Giving Tree is basically an instruction manual for raping the environment, which also suggests the environment secretly loves it.

I feel like the moral of every Curious George story is "Don't give too much responsibility to a monkey."

I'm really disappointed they chose not to go with the subtitle "Scream 4: Ice Cream".

#ParenthoodLessons: 1-year-olds don't care if they have two dads or two moms, but they'd trade either of you in a heartbeat for Elmo.

I Won't Be Your Gay Friend If... http://t.co/lM6Z63g6

You guys, we're being too nice to Kirk Cameron. http://t.co/lM6Z63g6

I would totally have told Mom the babysitter was dead.

Now is right about the time when Season 7 of #Lost would've started to infuriate everyone.

"When is it time for cake?" - what my kids can't stop saying at every birthday party, and what I can't stop thinking

John Wilkes Booth: Vampire Hunter Hunter

Cab drivers of the world, we're really sorry about #TheAmazingRace. Sincerely, America

Where in the World is San Diego? #badgameshows

Every book you treasured growing up is horribly written, full of inaccuracies and sends children a terrible message. #parenthoodrealizations

I love "What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)" by Kelly Clarkson. I'm looking forward to her next hit, "When Life Gives You Lemons (Lemonade)."

Obama, Warren, Baldwin, gay marriage in Maine. Nothing can spoil this now. This is officially the best election day of my lifetime.

TV pitch: Toddler Trial. Plaintiff: "Mine!" Defendant: "Mine!" Judge: "I'll be back with my decision." Commercial. Judge: "Nobody gets it!"

You have to admit there's some kind of evil genius to convincing people they don't want health care.

Mass murderers should be referred to like hurricanes, from a predetermined list of uncool names. Next killer, we're calling you Bertha.

If I could go back and show 15-year-old me one image from the future, it would be the President of the U.S. one day endorsing gay marriage.

I bet M. Night Shyamalan films himself every Xmas Eve so when his kids learn he's Santa he can show them all the obvious clues they missed.