I've been more mad at a chick flirting with my Twitter crush than I've been from a guy cheating on me.

I need help.

Also, stop it, whores.

Nice try, things that are not drugs or alcohol.

This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your girlfriend.

If you don't appreciate and cherish what you have when you have it, you don't get to complain when it's gone.

My boyfriend's wife can be really selfish sometimes.

Sitting on your face doesn't sound sexy to me. Only because I'd have to get up eventually and I'm terribly lazy.

If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I'm trying to say is, you look like Shrek.

It's so weird how the people who hate drama always have a lot of it. I HATE MONEY.

My favourite three words: alcohol.

I don't tweet for stars, I tweet so people will fall in love with me, duh.

I'm allowed to jokingly call myself fat, but if you do it I'll dig out your eyes with a rusty spoon.

If you're feeling pressure to be perfect, it's from yourself. Other people actually don't really care.

The best revenge is silence.

Roses are red, violets are blue. Your tits are saggy and mine are perky I win.

I spent two hours getting ready to go out just to put back on my pajamas because I remembered I hate people.

Is there a way to tell someone, "I hope you lose everything & swallow a sharp object and fucking die," without sounding too nice?

Adele is performing. This is the chick y'all call super fat? Fuck you guys.

Instant coffee is a lying whore.

I just pretend everything confuses me so people stop interacting with me.

Life without friends isn't so bad, you can always wear pajamas.