I never had a chance. I was always going to fall in love with you.

I take comfort in the idea that in some parallel universe there's a version of you & me where everything worked out.

You say such brilliant amazing things that I want to grab your face with both hands & kiss you until we both pass out from lack of oxygen.

Sometimes I wish my superpower was having no feelings so I couldn't be hurt. I guess those people are sociopaths. So lucky.

I wish I could fuck your accent.

Put down your mobile. Look at the beautiful creature sitting across from you whom you've been taking for granted. Someone else covets her.

My acts of kindness are never random.

You - the sober, well-adjusted one - GET THE FUCK OFFA TWITTER

i LOathe subliminal tweets. VEry laME concept.

Twitter, would it kill you to have an 'Are you sure?' prompt after hitting Send?

Sometimes when someone is kind to us, we weep; a tell-tale sign that we are suffering from a lack of kindness in our lives.

It's a universal story: the one person we want is the one person we cannot be with. Of course.

Deleted scenes from Star Wars: Attack of the Clones feature Samuel L. Jackson uttering the line, "Use the Force, motherfucker."

You lot, stop being so lovely & intelligent & thoughtful & flirty! I'm too emotionally vulnerable to be falling for a score of you at once!

If someone gives you a 'Free oral sex anytime' coupon and you try to redeem it with someone else, that makes you a douche bag, right?

I have such a heart-on for you.

You say 'premature' but I prefer 'efficient.' You'll want efficient when we're forced to repopulate the planet after the zombie apocalypse

Someone thinks you are perfection and wishes you would bestow upon him/her a smile.

IM ON TWITTER DO YOU MIND?!

-me to my mother when she walks in on me with my genitals pressed up against my phone

I wonder how long it will take before I can go an entire day without thinking about you.