.@garfield I swear to God I'm going to find you and rip your intestines out your ass.

.@chickfila whats this about "Negr-O-Meter"?? Applied @ location, staff hooked me up 2 it and said my "infection" was too high. #offended

. @mittromney help! a black man is tryin 2 change traditional spelling of #Amercia to a ghetto Kenyan version. please save us we r scared

friends.. tomorrow is a holiday called #420... thousands of teens die and are put into comas for smoking dangerous marijuana. kno the facts

RT “@drgrist: @josecanseco schools Twitter on climate change http://t.co/fyplemWx This might be the funniest thing ever.”

@just_a_texan There's no logical bearing in this.

@robdelaney HOLY SHIT YOU'RE COMING TO RALEIGH AND NOW I CAN'T STOP JIZZING AND IT'S LIKE A FIRE HOSE

#4WordsAfterIntercourse erectile dysfunction just keeps

#4WordsAfterIntercourse We had the sex

.@garfield I want to stab you w/ a blade infused with lightning & enjoy it

eHow for "How to be Funny" taught me nothing. i am still a lonely man sitting in this dark greenhouse i call home. i want to be young again

.@garfield The only way you'll be screaming is if I stab you with a thousand boiling hot knives. Which I will do. Prepare for death, jerk.

@horse_ebooks I never really thought about it before, but yeah, you're probably right.

@therealgdubya Wow.

. @robdelaney me n friend found piece of mar*juana. he gazed upon it&was turned 2 stone. I escaped w minor injuries. long term consequences?

woke up n jail this morning. most of my inventory is gone. i m low on hp. have phone, matches, razor blades, and cantaloupe . time to escape

pretty sure a phantom of the night just squeezed my buttocks. out in the street trying to warn neighbors but now they re calling the cops???

#ThreeWordsYouWillNeverHearObamaSay Organic Butt Cream

#ThreeWordsYouWillNeverHearObamaSay Spider Man Stools

#ThreeWordsYouWillNeverHearObamaSay Who farted, BIDEN???