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I'll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that's me.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."
I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.
Hamburger Helper is powerless if the hamburger doesn't WANT to be helped.
My car's GPS has learned to say "Your other left."
Before Twitter we used to call this "talking to yourself."
Just imagine how good prescription cheese would be.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I've likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Pretty sure the guy who named them "walkie talkies" got fired before he could name other military equipment.
I'm convinced that our Twitter personas are closer to who we really are than the personalities we wear in public.
I didn't sign up for the 401k at work, because there's no way I can run that far.
In a perfect world, the phrase "axe body spray" would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.
It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
I'm forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
What's the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they're not going to joust?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
It's awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I know we're not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I'll be here all weak.
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