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After scientists got bored putting mice in mazes, they put humans in IKEA stores.
There is a point in life when you look at all available single socks and think "meh, they match enough."
If the ancient Greeks *really* wanted to communicate endless futility, they would've given Sisyphus a laundry basket instead of a boulder.
I like handing people red jelly beans & blue jelly beans, asking them to choose just one. Then I look horrified at whatever they choose.
I know plenty of Spanish. Amigo = friend. Pequeno = little. Gracias = thank you. Soy sauce = I am sauce.
Observation: In addition to half the world's human population, apparently my hair stylist is also unclear how long an inch is.
If I watch what you do, it's voyeurism. If I watch while eating popcorn, it's entertainment.
Curb Your Infectious Disease #16thCenturySitcoms
Observation: If you are interviewed by Terry Gross/Fresh Air, you will die.
A 27-year-old is in now charge of North Korea's nuclear program. Merry Christmas.
I wish I could play poker with a dog. Everytime its tail wagged, I'd know to fold.
"Go put your clothes back on!" --- words I have to say more often as a parent than I ever thought possible
Word to the wise: When doing a web search on Gary Oldman, do not, I reapeat, do not forget to include the 'r' in Gary. That is all.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 53 for Miss America?
Wore shorts for the first time this season. My legs are so white they discussed Downton Abbey today.
Pondering the logic of a stay-fresh seal on a bag of croutons.
I'm pretty sure an "undecided" voter is about as rare as unicorn bacon. #debates
You know, if Kindles were just a little bit smaller and had pages I could turn they'd be just perfect.
That's What He Said #BadSermonTitles
Perpetually amused corporate flunky writing pith in 140-character chunks.