After scientists got bored putting mice in mazes, they put humans in IKEA stores.

There is a point in life when you look at all available single socks and think "meh, they match enough."

I like handing people red jelly beans & blue jelly beans, asking them to choose just one. Then I look horrified at whatever they choose.

If the ancient Greeks *really* wanted to communicate endless futility, they would've given Sisyphus a laundry basket instead of a boulder.

Observation: In addition to half the world's human population, apparently my hair stylist is also unclear how long an inch is.

I know plenty of Spanish. Amigo = friend. Pequeno = little. Gracias = thank you. Soy sauce = I am sauce.

Curb Your Infectious Disease #16thCenturySitcoms

Observation: If you are interviewed by Terry Gross/Fresh Air, you will die.

A 27-year-old is in now charge of North Korea's nuclear program. Merry Christmas.

I wish I could play poker with a dog. Everytime its tail wagged, I'd know to fold.

Wore shorts for the first time this season. My legs are so white they discussed Downton Abbey today.

Pondering the logic of a stay-fresh seal on a bag of croutons.

I'm pretty sure an "undecided" voter is about as rare as unicorn bacon. #debates

Word to the wise: When doing a web search on Gary Oldman, do not, I reapeat, do not forget to include the 'r' in Gary. That is all.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 53 for Miss America?

That's What He Said #BadSermonTitles

If I watch what you do, it's voyeurism. If I watch while eating popcorn, it's entertainment.

You know, if Kindles were just a little bit smaller and had pages I could turn they'd be just perfect.

I really want to tell my co-worker "I don't know and I don't care, I'm going to pull down your underwear," but HR never takes vacation.

I don't know how to break this to you all but cosmic happiness is found in cream cheese frosting made with Kahula and chocolate syrup.