If u cant handle me @ my worst (drunk, nude, weepin) u don't deserve me @ my best (sober, nearly nude, dry heaving)

congress narrowly fails to pass bill requiring 'yolo' key to be installed on all new computer keyboards

Log out with your hog out

do any girls want to watch the evil dead remake with me and maybe let me get to *googles 'what is third base'* first and a half base with em

My greatest fantasy: a beautiful blonde in a leather jacket hits me with a baseball bat until I lose consciousness. There is no safe word.

my friends........... r u........... ready,,,,,,,,,, TO GAME!!?? Xbox oNE #newxbox #secret #brand #gamer pic.twitter.com/CucPCtBEvk

She Wants The D20

@ownfestjudge OK @vinceness there's just two rules in this secret club and one of them is don't touch my dog's di-wow that was quick get out

use the web for good??? haha sure ok *googles Ccan baby be born from thw Ass*

@dildo_hitler there are so many better things to get pissed off at that arent hitler reincarnated in dildo form

@ownfestjudge after @trillhugs is born, doctors puzzled: classify as medical waste? condensed afterbirth effluvia? potential redditor?

@hell_homer *adjusts fedora and dragon-print buttonup, prepares to answer month-old tweet with 'Ron Paul'*

@hell_homer it is Thanksgiving, Beyonce and Jay-Z sit at opposite ends of a long table eating silently; Kanye sits beside Jay, Beyonce weeps

@ownfestjudge @pphafidtl a venn diagram comparing ur dick and a ten-month old arby's curly fry is a circle so perfect, mathematicians weep

Mom, dad ihave a confeSsion..., im yolo. I've always been yolo. I've knowne since I was little

@froonding_loom @ownfestjudge hey i found a sears catalogue with all the photos of dads cut out. u put lots of effort into that collage dude

@ownfestjudge @vinceness pissed off that ur still in this burnfest and cant go beat off 2 p-shopped rivers cuomo porn as per thurs. routine?

@ownfestjudge @bugbucket For Sale: One Ghost .gif, Never Funny

Women not dating me is fatshaming. *I stare at my dual monitor reddit-tumblr setup and wait for a brain aneurysm*

Ladies call @jimfear83's dick 'the 404' because even though they're in the right place it doesn't exist