"I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm pretty funny." -- Me, talking to my dog after one person favs one of my tweets.

Whenever I wear white underwear I feel like my margin of error for that entire day is zero.

I make you laugh and you let me put my penis in your vagina. It’s not rocket science.

You can hide your sex on Twitter, but not your IQ.

Every time I get to work and see 2 different socks on my feet, it makes me really regret not wearing shoes.

Being that it's 2011, when a girl says she doesn't do oral, I just assume she means not immediately after anal.

"So why'd you get divorced?" - Someone who's never been married.

Pollution Solution: If you think earth was created around 4000 BC, you’re not allowed to use fossil fuels that formed millions of years ago.

Just once I’d like see a boss say “you’re fired,” and the employee say “you can’t fire me, I quit,” and then watch them have a race to HR.

Guys, if she has enough energy to make you a sandwich after sex, she faked the orgasm(s).

I still haven't been able to figure out why a girl being a slut is a bad thing.

Some of you Twitter grammar police have me so paranoid that I had to go to urbandictionary .com to see if rimbjob is one word or two.

Balancing the fine line between creepy pervert and fun pervert is pretty tough after about 6 beers.

I don't pray. I take responsibility.

There's logic and then there's estrogen.

I like pretending that not having sex is a decision.

If being overly confident is wrong, I don’t want to be sober.

Before Twitter came along, it was pretty lonely being a pervert.

I'm gonna date a woman from every race so I can make jokes without seeming racist. So far I can make fun of imaginary girls and hands.

I’m almost good enough at yoga that I don’t need a girlfriend.