There's literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

Wait, If Jesus is the lamb of God, and Mary gave birth to Jesus... Then Mary had a little lamb? #MINDBLOWN

I hate Tacos, said no Juan ever.

My partying years are behind me. I am ready to settle, but not for less.

All these babies, but no marriages.. Lonely as I am, I am kissing the ground I am not pregnant.

Alive and kicking, because I have restless leg syndrome still.

You can't throw me in the friend zone when I threw you in there a LONG time ago. #smh

Co-worker just literally threw her frappacino in her face. She thought the lid was on and was going to shake it before she drank it. LOLZ

Boarding the ship RIGHT NOW! pic.twitter.com/WLqKnb4L4D

I like to believe that the longer I stay single, the greater the person will be when I find them. Dumb?

I am trying this new thing, called being positive.. It's a bitch.

You can't trust anyone, no matter how long you have known them. REALLY though.

Us women all grow up dreaming of the same thing: A husband. Some kids. A house. A happy life. True Love.

"The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now."

I'm about to drink all this wine and do the cha-cha slide.

Everyone is getting engaged, and I'm like, "For Christmas, can I have an unlimited supply of batteries for my vibrator?"

You know you're single as fuck when your wrist hurts from masturbating too much.

Facking bills, keeping me strapped like the mentally ill.

Dear Guys of Wichita: Working at a dead end job, drinking every chance you get and working out doesn't make you a successfully person.

Drinking all the time is not a satisfying life to me. I just wanna do something with my free time other than drink it to waste.