Fuck, but off.

Give me the wheel Jesus, you're drunk.

“IF YOU’RE NOT OUTRAGED, YOU’RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION!” is the bumper sticker I was squinting to read right before the five-car pileup.

Your lack of fucks to give has left you impotent.

I'd write a tweet about how my jokes just go over your head

but then I'd have to explain what over your head means.

I just provided directions to someone over 800 miles away. In case you doubted my LesQuest super powers.

Here's to making out in a car like a teenager.

If you want your coworkers to leave you alone, just leave a tampon on your desk.

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

What's a burnt pizza,frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time

Thanks to MyFitnessPal, I now have to choose between food and booze.

It's been nice knowing you food.

The light at the end if the tunnel may not be a train.

Some things will never be the same. #firsttweet

My wife has a 'more' button.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you slap them upside the head.

Sometimes I want you dressed in nothing more than mascara and tears

Cha'loot

Canadian for "calm the fuck down"

My body isn't a temple, it's more of a bouncy house with a wet bar

Been trying to get a piece of corn from a tooth for hours in case you were wondering how committed I am to getting stuff off with my tongue

"I'm the grandma's boyfriend."

I sentence I never expected to say.