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Fuck, but off.
Give me the wheel Jesus, you're drunk.
“IF YOU’RE NOT OUTRAGED, YOU’RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION!” is the bumper sticker I was squinting to read right before the five-car pileup.
Your lack of fucks to give has left you impotent.
I'd write a tweet about how my jokes just go over your head
but then I'd have to explain what over your head means.
I just provided directions to someone over 800 miles away. In case you doubted my LesQuest super powers.
Here's to making out in a car like a teenager.
If you want your coworkers to leave you alone, just leave a tampon on your desk.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
What's a burnt pizza,frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time
Thanks to MyFitnessPal, I now have to choose between food and booze.
It's been nice knowing you food.
The light at the end if the tunnel may not be a train.
My wife has a 'more' button.
Sometimes you win, sometimes you slap them upside the head.
Sometimes I want you dressed in nothing more than mascara and tears
Canadian for "calm the fuck down"
My body isn't a temple, it's more of a bouncy house with a wet bar
Been trying to get a piece of corn from a tooth for hours in case you were wondering how committed I am to getting stuff off with my tongue
"I'm the grandma's boyfriend."
I sentence I never expected to say.
Music video junkie who adores great kids, particularly mine. Collecting friends who rock, get me, or otherwise fascinate.