My roommate really hates when I walk in on him when I'm masturbating

I thought about tweeting a pic of my dick but I'm afraid anyone caught with it would get arrested for possessing child pornography

I'll always look you in the eyes when your blowing me because I'm a gentleman.

I love when people act like your lucky if they follow you back. Fuck off. I don't do this for followers. I do this because I'm crazy.

My followers list is like a whose who of degenerates and perverts.





I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now that your homeless I bet you wish you didn't spend all that money on your two full sleeves of tats

I tried to balance my beer on my wife's head when she was giving me a BJ.


Now I have blue balls and an empty beer

I follow some people on here because I actually think they are retarded and I'm amazed they can type.

I like to close my eyes and push the key real slow when I'm starring you just to make that shit special.

Is a hand-job that much to ask for when I'm getting a haircut. I think not.

I like to drive up to prostitutes and yell "MOM PLEASE COME HOME DAD DIDN'T MEAN IT"

This Xanax needs to start working so I can finish the conversation I started with my dog last night

Always turn any music off when the cops are around because nobody wants their ask kicked to a sound track.

I'm worried that with all these ladies tweeting at the same time their cycles are going to synchronize.

It happened again someone broke in my house drank all my beer an dressed me womens clothing

So how many followers do you need to have before you say "today was like my Vietnam, unicorn glitter bitches" and star it like 100 times"

I have absolutely no problem taking this bat to your head if you beep at me again. I'm fucking tweeting dick.

Who wants to get drunk and have unprotected sex??

If you ever think you just "accidentally" walked in on me while I'm masturbating, don't worry.. I planned it.

I leave the curtains open when I masturbate just to let my neighbor know I'm thinking of her.