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I wonder if dog sex toy shops have blow-up human legs in them.
Ok, guys. Can we all agree to stop being shocked when an elected official has an affair? It's practically protocol by now.
Happy Birthday, alcoholics.
Twitter means never having to say you're sorry. That's what the delete button is for.
White people at the Cracker Barrel is too literal.
I like having a cell phone because it keeps a log of all the people I ignore throughout the day.
I have a date for Valentine's. Looking for a serious relationship. What should I wear to convey, "I'm okay with being wrong all the time"?
IF I GET ANOTHER FARMVILLE REQUEST SO HELP ME GOD I WILL BURN DOWN THE WHOLE INTERNET
My tweets have been really estrogeny today. Hold me. I'm hot. Now I'm freezing. I don't know what I want. OHDEARGODWHATISHAPPENINGTOME
Maybe I'm a horrible person, but this fast food cashier has huge visible hickeys and all I'm thinking is "Who would make out with her?"
Oh sure- that's how it starts- a latte here and there. Next thing you're injecting coffee between your toes, wondering where your life went.
A friend's phone accidentally called me from her back pocket and now I'm not wearing pants because that's how booty calls work, yes?
A dog's junk is out, it's all, "Haha! Lipstick!" but when mine's out everyone's all, "Sick!" and, "You're under arrest." DOUBLE STANDARD.
My Jewish exclamations bring all the Oys to my yard.
"I totally TSA'd her, bro." -future guy talk
The worst thing about waddling to the kitchen for paper towels because you're out of toilet paper is nothing's worse than that.
Hey- remember when we were all, "Outside!" and "Fresh air!" Haha! That was funny, right?
Admit it. When you're in front of an automatic paper towel dispenser with a motion sensor, you wave your hand like a Jedi.
Whoever's working in the Library of Congress archiving section must be quietly losing their faith in humanity.
Out of sheer morbid curiosity I just listened to a Ke$ha song but I stopped it midway, so you guys only get to beat me HALF to death.
Burrito aficionado. Aspiring Jedi, but mostly because I'm too lazy to change the TV without the remote.