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Alright! Everyone! Down on your shananananananana knees! -Guns N' Roses robbing a bank.
"I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy" is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
If you say "vahz" instead of vase, I will assume you have a speech impediment that can be fixed by a punch to the "fahz."
How I tweet:
1. Write.
2. Rewrite.
3. Say: "fuck this." (Important step.)
4. Send.
5. Immediately think of something better.
6. Find typo.
Listening to Creed or Nickelback makes me wonder why bands stopped getting into tragic plane crashes.
The poem "The Road Less Traveled" was probably Robert Frost's eloquent plea for his wife to do anal.
I'm too lazy to have been the fastest sperm. I bet I showed up super late, hung out for month, and eased into that next egg like a hot tub.
Sooo everybody realizes the Flintstones were shitting in that bird's mouth, right?
1. Go aheeaaaad.
2. ...
3. GO!
4. No? Then I'm gonna-
5. Ugh. Then GO!
6. ...
7. Fuck it, I don't care, I'm goin-
8. JESUS.
(4-way stops)
You can always count on my mom gasp in horror when you're about to hit a car that's 300 yards away.
Yeah, guys who tweet about the gym? Well I just ran 8 blocks and dry heaved into the gutter for 10 mins.
So, a legs AND an abs day.
1. Place new batteries on table.
2. Take out old batteries.
3. Place old batteries on table.
4. Mix 'em all the fuck up.
5. Trial and error.
Soo I guess everybody was ok with the Shawshank prison sewer dumping out into that creek?
I see these commercials where people are dunking mcnuggets so hard that the sauce overflows and I just don't understand this world.
How lazy could Susan really have been if she engineered that cool turntable?
My parents went to Hawaii and all I got was this shirt that says we can't stand you, that's why we went to Hawaii without you.
At the risk of sounding a little rapey, I can't stop thinking about raping you.
Because of the ! in the title, sometimes it seems like I'm really excited when I write about the movie Saved! when I'm actually just kinda excited about it.
