I am actually scared to check my bank account....sober

My shrink called Twitter "emotional masturbation." I'm rarely speechless.

You are 100% correct. "Dating" does sound antiquated. Does "screwing" sound better?

Every now and then I remind myself that I lost my virginity to a carrot, and I don't know whether to laugh or cry?

Just spoke to my mom. Unrelated: Anyone want to have unprotected anal?

The next time I see my therapist, I'm just going to print out my last fifty tweets. This way, I won't have to say a word.

I just got an email telling me to go f*** myself. What do you know? Timing is perfect. I just did. Happy Friday!

Confession: I have a HUGE crush on a couple of my followers, a few dudes, a few chicks, two cats and a llama. Note: Thanks life. I win!

I'm going to buy a new vibrator. Recommendations? After all, this is a very emotional choice. I'm choosing my new life partner.

Would it be tacky to decorate my twitter page with my annulment papers?

So here's a strange fact: there are over 10,000 restaurants in New York City, & this guy wants to take me down memory lane on our 2nd date!?

Charlie Sheen is found drunk and naked? Well... I know I'm shocked.

Aww... look...I'm following "exactly" 140 characters

I just left 25 long-winded, redundant messages on my favorite collection agent's voicemail. Happy Monday Asshole!

My flask and I are going to Walmart. It's Saturday night baby!

I follow the people I follow because I believe them to be real. Nothing else matters. Nothing.

I need to hire a dog walker. I cannot leave my couch three times a day. It already has abandonment issues.

Me: People are reading my blog. I feel so good right now. Mom: I don't even know what that word means. I feel like you use it to taunt me.

My mother & I are on the phone. I have no clue WTF she is saying. I need our conversations to be more like Twitter, 140 characters.... MAX!

Some of you are getting some weird stars right now. Feel free to thank Ambien and/or Lunesta! Maybe both.