Get laid, or eat this burrito. So hard to choo- burrito.

I was sad to learn a chocolate lab is inedible.

LOL is the new faking an orgasm.

When people tell me I'm funny, I'm like, "Yeah I know I'm trying to lose weight." :(

I'm great in the sack. -A potato

I'm dreaming...of a white...boyfriend

I'm so single that when I order a double scoop, the one on top throws itself to the floor. :(

There is no single human in this world whose inability to love you holds the same amount of value as your life. Theme of the month.

Your vagina should not be lower than the hem of your shorts.

Man, I think I really get guys now. It was never about Zelda. It was the adventure, never the girl.

I started writing for a show called "Everybody Hates Everybody" and it's about women.

Here's to pretty women with filthy thoughts.

"I'm not anyone's girlfriend" sounds better than saying I don't have a boyfriend. Some man lacks me, not I him.

I want to make enough money to afford to be left alone.

If you think someone tweets too much, think about what it takes to even know that.

Every time I eat Chinese I feel like I weigh won ton.

My phone battery died for several hours and so did I, a little.

When pizza's on a bagel you don't even need a boyfriend.

Whatever happens tomorrow, just don't be a dick.

All the internet does is connect me to people with whom I fall in love who happen to live nowhere near me.