Hey, does your butthole ever get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?

Out there is one really fucking psychotic bird plotting and planning to kill 2 people with one stone...



you have been warned...

I'm going to verbally reprimand my child with "we can make another one of you."

I would go back to work if I won the lottery...

My bosses desk ain't gonna shit on itself...

The braille on my penis says "read this again, only faster next time"

Bi-sexuals are just opportunistic fucks....

I love you AND your flaws, not in spite of them... It is who you are and I don't have the right to change you!

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you... set it on FIRE!!!

Going down on your girlfriend while she is on her period is like going to your favorite restaurant...and its bleeding.

"I want your fist in my ass while I talk to little kids!"
~Muppets

Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With nerve endings that relay that information to my brain... you?
Therapist: This isn't going to work.

If she asks if you can take a joke, make sure she didn't write "joke" on a GIANT purple dong before you answer.

Thank you paystubbs for a detailed breakdown of how little these fuckers think I'm worth..

If you perform CPR, save someones life, then they SUE you, I believe you should be legally allowed to correct your fucking mistake...

The most well adjusted kids I know have gay parents...

for my symptoms, WebMD suggests to avoid: alcohol, caffeine, and tobacco...
fuck..
that...
shit...

I guarantee that if you laugh at the right times to someones jokes and dont say anything else, they will remember you as being hilarious!

Only gay men should be able to use the phrase "I need to get me a piece of ass"

My Apathy knows no bounds...

Even though you stick your head in the sand like an ostrich, you do know you're still poised to get fucked in the ass... right?