Divorce... When your friends were right.

"Google that shit" is not the best response to my boss asking why I'm always late.

Someone just corrected my "good morning" with a "good afternoon" so I said, "go to hell you clock watching motherfucker".

Coworker: My husband's an angel.
Me: You're lucky.. mine's still alive.

It's not murder if someone yells, "Finish him!"..

Just stop talking.. I'm sure whatever you want to say can wait until you're smarter.

The biggest form of flattery in twitter is a RT.. I do it often. Let me know if you don't like it so I can tell you to shove it up your ass.

I'm fucking sleepy. Not literally. I wouldn't fuck a dwarf..

I hate screaming, "oh spider, oh god it's a big spider, oh fucking yes spider" while cumming so my kids won't walk in on me masturbating.

9 out of 10 women are funnier than men.. the other one's a whore.

Just saw a guy smack his dog, so I smacked him with my car..

I don't know what's right or inappropriate anymore.. thanks Twitter.

May the divorce be with you..

6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy..

I only unfollowed you for the refollow sex..

Cunnilingus is next to godliness..

Sometimes you win by not playing..

Don't be afraid to love.. just don't blow it by telling them.

Who else gives the thumbs up sign with your middle finger?

Twitter has lost that new car smell..