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My " check liver " light just came on.
Obama is set to appear on one of Oprah’s last shows. He’s hoping it’s the one where she gives away 14 trillion
I just saw an ugly, pregnant woman and thought, "Good for you."
When you text a guy "my shirt smells like you" be sure you spell shirt correctly.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel everyday.
Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?
Max Factor should make condoms.
How about we just remove all the warning labels on products & let the 'stupid' problem sort itself out?
Is it just me or does Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street look like a huge pile of weed?
I'll start drinking responsibly when there is a brand of whiskey named Responsibly.
Drunk people run stop signs. High people wait for them to turn green.
Money is the root of all evil? Is that why churches are always trying to collect it?
Wedding rings: world's smallest handcuffs
Why the hell hasn't Head and Shoulders made a body wash called 'Knees and Toes'?
I lost my virginity long ago, but I still take very good care of the box it came in.
Hey Andy, MY toys are named Buzz and Woody too!
The handicap parking at the special olympics must be insane
If a burglar breaks into my house wielding a vacuum, my dog will be of absolutely NO protection whatsoever.
They could solve a lot of problems if they just gave the prison inmates liquid soap.
Taught my kids a new game called 'waitress and bartender' Im not leaving this couch.
Sluts have belly button rings to hang their air freshners on... Right?
Chocolate Covered Onion. Bite me. I double dog dare ya.