If these walls could talk that would be super creepy. I bet they'd have a really weird voice.
Whatever you do, don't listen to their lies!

I used to count "1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, etc."
But the thought of more than 1 Mississippi frightens me.

If the only thing we have to fear is fear itself then why do germs and clowns exist?

Eating blueberry waffles at 11:30p.m. LIKE A PIMP...

that likes waffles...

Ok, maybe not "like a pimp", but hey, mmm waffles.

Not cool. This store is playing "Eye Of The Tiger" and there are no stairs to run up. I guess I'll just have to settle for punching someone.

I follow so many "single" women on The Twitter that every time I read the word "cat" I now hear it as a plural in my head.

FF's work like a charm*.

*charms don't actually work.

(This message brought to you by ReTweets.)

My greatest hits today:drooling toothpaste on my shirt,sneezing on my phone,and getting snot in my mouth.So it's been a very productive day.

OUCH!!! I just bit my tongue so hard it gave me Renee Zellweger face.

If you pronounce either"s"in the name of my hometown"Des Moines,Iowa"I will hate you forever. Idiot. Other than that,have a super great day.

So, I'm assuming it would probably be impolite to ask someone if they know they're a douchenozzel, right?
Whatever, I'm goin' in.

I come back after 8 days without Tweeting and I have more followers, 'cuz that's how I do.
I DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' GUEST TWEETER!!!

I will never be able to be a "gangsta" because of my ability to pronounce my "R's". :'(

That's just ridiculous. A donkey can't punch, it has no fists.

Every time the Jersey Shore gets picked up for another season an angel gets melanoma.

GEEZ!!! The tornado siren has gone off four times in the past 20 minutes. Way to ruin the surprise guys.

For future reference...Time Machines.

"DO AS I SAY AND NO ONE GETS HURT!!!"

~Dude who takes "Simon Says" WAY too seriously.

The worst part about my disdain for politics is the fact that I have to keep up to date on politics or else that disdain is just ignorance.

If I said "Nice to meet you" I was probably lying.

No offense.