I'd pay $10 to punch a Congressman. Let's offer that to cut the deficit.

GROUNDHOG PREDICTS SIX MORE WEEKS OF LANA DEL RAY #fb

Quick CNN! Make a hologram of a real news organization!

Look. if you are going to have a total bullshit holiday, you could do a lot worse than National Grilled Cheese Day.

Vernal equinox is an astronomical event, not a weather event. It's still March in Pittsburgh, folks.

Beyonce's Chicago presale regular tickets sold out in less than 5 minutes. :''''< cc @msbossynopants

@sheepthemoon congratulations on having the sex!!!!

HIPSTER WALKING A FERRET!!! HIPSTER WALKING A FERRET!!! #Lawrenceville

Eat fried chicken today for tomorrow we die of snow

Find The Mayor In An Emergency #yinzerlympics

FISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRYFISHFRY

PSA: Guy wearing an upside down visor? You are the douchiest. Please RT & let's rid ourselves of this plague.

I'd given anything for the halftime show to be Black Keys instead of Black Eyed Peas

Day drunk at Giant Eagle. Again.

I want to open a nap hotel with optional puppy schnorgle upgrades.

May the bacon find your plate this morning.

If you need "Use both lanes to merge point" explained to you, then maybe you don't deserve a driver's license.

Ugh I tried on Jennifer Aniston's fragrance at Sephora & now I smell like Unfunny Romantic Comedy.

The real news is that Mayor Luke is one of the cast members RT @patmuldowney THE NEXT SEASON OF THE REAL WORLD IS IN PITTSBURGH!!!!

Please, please, please don't go to see "Jack and Jill", America. We are the only ones who can stop this madness!!!!