You know you're an Alcoholic when you can't even say the word "sober" without making air quotes

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

I think people who sneeze more than twice in a row are fucking attention whores

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

REAL alcoholics are graded on what they drink:
1. Beer = Amateur
2. Wine = Female or Gay
3. Whiskey = Asshole
4. Vodka = Professional

My wife once told me " Mike you're the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms", which pissed me off because my names not Mike

Money can't buy happiness....but it makes depression a lot more fun

You're like an evil genius, only stupid

When someone starts using the urinal next to me, I like to turn my dick sideways and piss in his urinal too...let's them know who's the boss

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

" That's My Jam!!!" - every 4th song when you're drunk

When I'm in love , I could watch you stab a puppy, and my only thought would be" I wonder what that fucking evil puppy did to my Baby!!"

I'm bringing sexy back. ( driving my wife home)

I wanna get one those " I'm with Stupid" t-shirts, only I want the finger pointing down at my junk

"Nothing smells bad, but everything smells supremely interesting" - Dogs

It's possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night

I overreact during orgasm

Why do people with crooked jacked up toes wear sandals ? Whenever I see that I want to yell at them...I guess I'm " whack toes intolerant"

When I'm at the public urinal and I catch the guy next to me looking out of the corner of his eye....I whisper " Wanna hold it?"

I waste a lot of time noticing stuff