"Hmm, how can I look at her boobs but not look at her boobs?" - Guy who invented sunglasses.

People say I put my apostrophes in all the wrong places.




'

I saw a homeless man listening to House music today.

Couldn't stop pointing and laughing at the irony.

"It's moving, I should fuck it." - High school.

If nothing else, procrastination will take me into the future.

I just realized I can make 50 funny faces at my boss in less than 30 seconds while the elevator door closes.


Anyway, got fired.

"I'm tired of putting the whole thing in my mouth" - How sliced bread was created.

There is no 'I' in "Shut the fuck up".


Its all just about 'U'.

Its cute how a Twitter elite can tweet the lamest stuff and be star-fucked but my funniest goes unheard.
And by cute I mean FUCK THIS SHIT!

It's okay to die a little inside sometimes, it won't kill you.

I thought my dog was a Transformer but he was only trying to puke.

Kids are so cute with their dreams and ambitions. Should I tell them?

"No no no not there! Not there! Not there! No nooo...!" - My towel.

Remember in school how you wished you had answered something but someone else says it first?

That's what Twitter feels like.

"Oh no. God damnit! Now I have nothing else to do!" - Me, everytime I wake up.

I know God hates me because I can never get the belt out of my trousers without having it smack my face.

Hey People-Who-Can-Type-Without-Looking-At-The-Keyboard, fuck you for being so awesome.

I hope all these fucks that I don't give can be exchanged for chocolate ice-cream.

Dogs should share their happy pills with us.

I think I've wasted about 2 years of my life trying to remember tweets I forgot.