If I loved a bird and let it go and it didn't come back to me I would tell everyone what a whore bird it was.

Somewhere in the world, someone is eating sushi off of a butt hole.

If they want to make sex scenes more realistic in movies they should include using your t-shirt for a cum rag.

Squirters are like the dolphins of porn.

It would be nice if men had evolved with more airflow between their balls and their anus.

A woman's purse is a reflection of the state of her vagina.

It looks like I am always going to date a guy who uses tape for a band-aid.

I love how guys wear their old 'church clothes' to court so they look more responsible.

Don't judge me by the smell of my kitchen sponge.

If you don't have a clean fork - USE A SPOON - and stop being such a fucking pussy.

Hey Subway - Your oil/vinegar combo just turned my sandwich into a 6 inch sweaty vagina.

I think my GPS just called me a Cunt.

If your gonna use my shower don't leave my soap looking like Chewbacca just had a sick hacky sack sesh and caught it with his butt hole.

Hey cutters - can I get you to start clippin' coupons for me?

Butterflies probably feel pretty retarded when it's windy.

I still think the elk is the product of a horse/deer sex scandal.

This girl's voice at the airport makes me wish I had a dick so I could slap the fucking shit out of her with it.

Let's put it this way. In your butt.

If someone hands me a baby, I pretend i'm going to drop it and say "whoaaa whoaaa" then they take it back immediately. Works like a charm.

Thanks for letting me borrow a white towel with a skid mark on it, but I would rather dry myself with a queef from Queen Latifah.