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If I loved a bird and let it go and it didn't come back to me I would tell everyone what a whore bird it was.
Somewhere in the world, someone is eating sushi off of a butt hole.
If they want to make sex scenes more realistic in movies they should include using your t-shirt for a cum rag.
Squirters are like the dolphins of porn.
It would be nice if men had evolved with more airflow between their balls and their anus.
A woman's purse is a reflection of the state of her vagina.
It looks like I am always going to date a guy who uses tape for a band-aid.
I love how guys wear their old 'church clothes' to court so they look more responsible.
Don't judge me by the smell of my kitchen sponge.
If you don't have a clean fork - USE A SPOON - and stop being such a fucking pussy.
Hey Subway - Your oil/vinegar combo just turned my sandwich into a 6 inch sweaty vagina.
I think my GPS just called me a Cunt.
If your gonna use my shower don't leave my soap looking like Chewbacca just had a sick hacky sack sesh and caught it with his butt hole.
Hey cutters - can I get you to start clippin' coupons for me?
Butterflies probably feel pretty retarded when it's windy.
I still think the elk is the product of a horse/deer sex scandal.
This girl's voice at the airport makes me wish I had a dick so I could slap the fucking shit out of her with it.
Let's put it this way. In your butt.
If someone hands me a baby, I pretend i'm going to drop it and say "whoaaa whoaaa" then they take it back immediately. Works like a charm.
Thanks for letting me borrow a white towel with a skid mark on it, but I would rather dry myself with a queef from Queen Latifah.
Inventor of Canx - Spanx for cankles. I look at rocks for a living.