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  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    Being Irish means getting rip-roaring drunk on special occasions. For example, when you celebrate dinner.

    • 287
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    islander_dibadboyversionAndrea__M___DrDweezil__Burds_1How_HardyCrazyForMoxley__RadishFacts
    • 143
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    How_Hardyiw97strongmanKristinAndreneBlindVigiljlm342iwearaonesiebeachhead1979redpawn3
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    It seems the GOP is fighting harder against their own front-runner than they ever did against Obama.

    • 156
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    vadeburydyweglennaheraly1pink_sprnvaRevalationSaintjboraski55DgThejudge54crystal_jeterFreedomrings22
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    glennaheraly1pink_sprnvajoey_reesyjboraski55HumanVeterinaryfrankybeanMikeWelbornaqwiley3
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    Just snorted some bath salts and ordered a pizza with everybody on it.

    • 165
    • LIKES
    islander_diCheeneeVodkaShorebirdDrDweezil__iwearaonesieMaureenWLCSW__mattkinkade__Cheeseboy22
    • 101
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    FunnyTunesGinGandersadsongsisingatlassheepdogSpencerLenoxheadway10BuckyIsotopeAdamUrbane________
    GroperCleveland
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    I just stole my neighbor's wife. Damn autocorrect! Wifi, stole their wifi.

    • 165
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    islander_dibadboyversionDrDweezil__jokefacekiddah__iwearaonesieMaureenWLCSW__Cheeseboy22NFWeinstein
    • 95
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    badboyversionjokefacekiddah__BarDogDavetaumarbssadsongsisingjmashithaMalakElFeky___ankur_mi
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    Woke up to my Twitter feed exploding over #CruzSexScandal. Why did I immediately think this was going to involve other men?

    • 182
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    dianne_helmsgrey_ghost47MaryKateVegasBeutelMeAboutitARJTurgotbuhzibjohnny_nimbleBeerhaze
    • 51
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    Darpan496DBHnBuckheadARJTurgotbuhzibdralias_johnny_nimbleDamnMyBallsItchcopia_blake
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

    • 149
    • LIKES
    islander_diNameetSuranabadboyversionjokefacekiddah__Burds_1NotThatNixonBackpackerBooie__iwearaonesie
    • 75
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    iwearaonesieOmarKhyamiamWheelTodchibagrrlRealWorldMemes__frenchbroad01____PVDBoyTimesleechee420
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

    • 131
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    Autumn_WulfemarcusparkersolJohnBechardbadboyversionVodkaShorebirdDrDweezil__MaureenWLCSW__BYGH
    • 60
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    Tortilla_Nazi__
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    Every time you judge me you gain weight.

    • 111
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    jauzalinaa_x3elizabeth_felsGelasticGoGoescape2606batsflywestEvanSmith2JohnBechardVodkaShorebird
    • 67
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    GelasticGoGoescape2606JohnBechardfusedude__dansmellyoul8ronume_CAITBBKFtealbluejay
    Cynner777
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    I once had to do a book report on Tom Sawyer, but hadn't read the book so I started off, "He’s a modern day warrior with a mean mean stride"

    • 127
    • LIKES
    VodkaShorebirdDrDweezil__jokefacekiddah__Burds_1GilmaticMaureenWLCSW__BYGHWheelTod
    • 51
    • RETWEETS
    VodkaShorebirdjokefacekiddah__chibagrrljokqsLOUD_Thoughts_JaeMar68BarDogDavemykeedog
    stonedcoldlazySpencerLenox
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    Remember alcohol is NEVER the answer. "Why can't I get it up?" Okay, sometimes alcohol is the answer.

    • 109
    • LIKES
    samizielinskimekennamunsonVodkaShorebirdtealbluejayiwearaonesiesnidesnyderer__WheelTodNFWeinstein
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    Maggie_EschrichOmarKhyamiamWheelTodfavstar1000favssadsongsisingCJ_PoliticsGodLovesUgly22JustinBpackfan____
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    I apologize to my students when I accidentally write your grade as 'C' when it should have been an 'A.' Also sorry to my Aunt.

    • 90
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    volks__chrisdabearMythicPicnicARedHuntingHatingy56KellyInStarsJohnBechardbadboyversion
    • 47
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    juankitneyvolks__aaronparker73chrisdabearJohnBechardsadsongsisingAdamUrbane________MulticolordEyes__
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    Please lord, give me just one day without people constantly telling me how great I am.

    • 103
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    VodkaShorebirdMaureenWLCSW__snidesnyderer__Alisonzombielan__WheelTodLOUD_Thoughts_bonfirehearts____sadsongsising
    • 30
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    OmarKhyamiamWheelTodtaumarbssadsongsisingKidcrashedSTBGCFavstar500Favs__GreenEyedJedi
    eliserose5__
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    Today is my birthday. If you didn't buy me a present just give the gift of a star.

    • 115
    • LIKES
    VodkaShorebirdLOUD_Thoughts_BarDogDavesingingdoves13sadsongsisingCourageDRsamborifficFlattliner
    • 17
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    sadsongsisingfavstar1000favseliserose5__JoeRye91silverbreezeySTARZYahoowonderhulagirl____mattysworld1
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    Paul Ryan thinks political power is "inherited." I guess he assumes we are an aristocracy.

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    scout1881B18rRehnDeanbrhFightBackUSgnoh_sandrabonartglsyjere17I_the_Prattler
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  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    Mitt Romney is as relevant as a pay phone in front of a Blockbuster video.

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    BlueNGold92doctrsgBlockbusterVidAckmanscamsaspinks58AnnalesiaCeevickivanvanAdelita7
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  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    I think deep down all men wish they had a wingman like Chewbacca.

    • 90
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    juankitneybrittanie_lewisMythicPicnicAnt_F3ltzxlr8tor87JohnBechardDrDweezil__mattkinkade__
    • 34
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    Ant_F3ltzxlr8tor87JohnBechardsadsongsisingsamborifficMulticolordEyes__FabianouslySouthernHustle
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    I once saw a girl playing air guitar in the car next to me. Our eyes met before the light turned. That is my best relationship to date.

    • 92
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    JohnBechardGilmaticMaureenWLCSW__LOUD_Thoughts_JaeMar68BarDogDavethemcgillicutty__sadsongsising
    • 24
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  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    What's up with these Favstar trophies? Who cares about a stupid...OMG I just got a trophy! You like me; you really like me!

    • 95
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    1par8headMaureenWLCSW__LOUD_Thoughts_WheresCharlottesadsongsisingCourageDRsamborifficroggyie
    • 18
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    DeepSigh_________
  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    I'm worried I have exactly the same thing Benjamin Button had, just in reverse.

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    • 40
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  • Xeriland
      Tim Xeriland @Xeriland

    Dear Aliens, before visiting know we are an angry gun-toting people. Plus we live with bacteria that can eat your face off. #ChasingUFOs

    • 54
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    1par8headLOUD_Thoughts_sadsongsisingviciousbabydollsamborifficroggyie77StephanieG77mrt1m
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    1par8headsadsongsisingFavstar500Favs__420iloveweedsilverbreezeydepp_cristinaWoah_its_megrachxboyd
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