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Being Irish means getting rip-roaring drunk on special occasions. For example, when you celebrate dinner.
Just snorted some bath salts and ordered a pizza with everybody on it.
I just stole my neighbor's wife. Damn autocorrect! Wifi, stole their wifi.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I once had to do a book report on Tom Sawyer, but hadn't read the book so I started off, "He’s a modern day warrior with a mean mean stride"
Every time you judge me you gain weight.
Remember alcohol is NEVER the answer. "Why can't I get it up?" Okay, sometimes alcohol is the answer.
Today is my birthday. If you didn't buy me a present just give the gift of a star.
Please lord, give me just one day without people constantly telling me how great I am.
I apologize to my students when I accidentally write your grade as 'C' when it should have been an 'A.' Also sorry to my Aunt.
I think deep down all men wish they had a wingman like Chewbacca.
I once saw a girl playing air guitar in the car next to me. Our eyes met before the light turned. That is my best relationship to date.
What's up with these Favstar trophies? Who cares about a stupid...OMG I just got a trophy! You like me; you really like me!
Dear Aliens, before visiting know we are an angry gun-toting people. Plus we live with bacteria that can eat your face off. #ChasingUFOs
I'm worried I have exactly the same thing Benjamin Button had, just in reverse.
I would so dominate the game show Jeopardy! if they limited the categories to obscure knowledge of the ThunderCats.
It took Jesus a lifetime to pick up 12 followers. Now with social media I can do that before lunch.
This year for Lent I decided to give up. I was finally successful.
The boys called and we're getting the band back together. Not really, but I always wanted to say that.
I promise never to tweet what I had for breakfast, but today I had waffles.