If you love me you'll have to love my bruises and scars, too. No seriously, I'm always falling down.

All guys can talk a good game but there's only one nerd for this geek.

My mom said I was destined for great things; I never thought it would mean being the meanest cunt in my town.

Thanks Ma!!!

Don’t forget to thank Jesus for being the first zombie and making zombies everywhere awesome.

 http://xomissyox.wordpress.com/ 

Look mom, if the bearded lady has a husband you don't have to worry about me dying alone and becoming a feast for my cat!

I've already reached the high point in my life with achievements, now I'm just waiting to die.

@sheseemslegit 😘 xoxoxo

Sorry Mom but the last time we had a "family" dinner I walked into an intervention. I won't be fooled again!

My mom is related to Obi-Wan every time I'm masturbating she gets a "There's a disturbance in the force" feeling and calls to interrupt me!

A coworker was reading my tweets out loud to me. Can I borrow someone's trunk? I have a body to hide.

I had a dream that I was rich but I freaked out because I couldn't work the shower. Rich people and their fancy showers can suck my dick.

I'm just a girl having weird dreams that Louis CK is fucking me in the middle of the night.



So, I'm a weird girl. Who cares?

I call my blender the milkshake maker, since that's all it's good for anyways.

Just punched my cat because she stepped on my bruise. I need one of those "#1 Mom" mugs.

@dregec SKITTLES??? You have to share!

I've mastered the art of driving with my knees, how else am I supposed to smoke a cigarette, drink coffee and tweet when I'm driving?

These bruises aren't from a wild sex experience but from falling off my couch and landing on my coffee table.



Somebody please love me! :(

"Look, sometimes I like to do what all single girls like to do, I like to hate masturbate for 45 minutes." - Me to my OB/GYN

For special skills put me down for peeing in a cup without any spills.