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If you love me you'll have to love my bruises and scars, too. No seriously, I'm always falling down.
All guys can talk a good game but there's only one nerd for this geek.
My mom said I was destined for great things; I never thought it would mean being the meanest cunt in my town.
Don’t forget to thank Jesus for being the first zombie and making zombies everywhere awesome.
Look mom, if the bearded lady has a husband you don't have to worry about me dying alone and becoming a feast for my cat!
I've already reached the high point in my life with achievements, now I'm just waiting to die.
Sorry Mom but the last time we had a "family" dinner I walked into an intervention. I won't be fooled again!
My mom is related to Obi-Wan every time I'm masturbating she gets a "There's a disturbance in the force" feeling and calls to interrupt me!
A coworker was reading my tweets out loud to me. Can I borrow someone's trunk? I have a body to hide.
I had a dream that I was rich but I freaked out because I couldn't work the shower. Rich people and their fancy showers can suck my dick.
I'm just a girl having weird dreams that Louis CK is fucking me in the middle of the night.
So, I'm a weird girl. Who cares?
I call my blender the milkshake maker, since that's all it's good for anyways.
Just punched my cat because she stepped on my bruise. I need one of those "#1 Mom" mugs.
I've mastered the art of driving with my knees, how else am I supposed to smoke a cigarette, drink coffee and tweet when I'm driving?
These bruises aren't from a wild sex experience but from falling off my couch and landing on my coffee table.
Somebody please love me! :(
"Look, sometimes I like to do what all single girls like to do, I like to hate masturbate for 45 minutes." - Me to my OB/GYN
For special skills put me down for peeing in a cup without any spills.
I drink too much, talk too loud and laugh at inappropriate times. Recently, I was called a cunt and I liked it.