Standing at the urinal singing "I'm a Little Tea Pot", I was surprised no one wanted to sing along.

You ever notice most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put “anal” in front?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion…

If it aint broke, don't let me any.where.near.it.

Next time I go to a restaurant and ask for a Coke and they say "is Pepsi OK?", I'm going to reply "is Monopoly money OK?"

Hrmm, this chicken tastes like everything.

I bet if Jimmy cracked skulls you'd care.

Kind of a rough day out there mowing the lawn today. I hope she finishes in time to make me dinner.

In PJs eating toast with orange marmalade, watching a LifeTime mov…oh crap this isn't Facebook? Ahem, I’m eating zombies and farting a lot.

How can you call me lazy? I walked all the way upstairs to the other bathroom to avoid changing the paper.

I’m still confused by dying in Frogger when you land in the water.

If I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.

Applied carefully enough, wasabi can appear like avocado on a turkey sandwich. And now I know who the office lunch thief is.

People often ask "what makes you tick?" And then I punch them because my touretts isn't a joke.

Unit conversions: Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

My life-coach just handed me a rope.

My wife used super-glue to finish making a friend's gift. Apparently the friend is now getting our dining room table as well.

All I can see are tube-tops, Uggs and tramp stamps. It’s like I’ve wandered into a skanktuary.

Mail from Gramma. FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: No Subject

Before Twitter, I’m guessing most of you were assumed to have Tourettes.

Called my 40 year old cousin in Louisiana and told her she’d better hurry up and get married. There won’t be as many fish in the sea now.