Thinking super hard right now - everyone be quiet for just a sec

"I'm 2 secs away from not caring what the fuck u think!" in hindsight this wasn't the best thing to yell in church.

I am so glad Easter is over! I haven't been asked to sit on that many faces since Xmas. My family is creepy.

We have to wish happy birthday to people here too? Ah crap.

The idea that anyone stars anything of mine is amazing to me. I'm probably the 4th funniest, 2nd prettiest and 3rd blondest all my friends!

When I'm sad I pack a bag & hop on my treadmill. It's like a mini vacation without the being felt up part.

I sure hope my fake baby bump arrives soon! I want to surprise my Dad about the last time we blacked out together.

When getting a free make over at the make up counter please be advised that we do not have spackle or a time machine.

About to start treating this like high school. I'll just cheer you all on and oh yeah give blow jobs behind the bleachers.

No matter how bad my boss makes me feel I am thankful his wife is such a raging bitch who makes him wear diapers at home. I hope.

My roommate's to do list says
Go to store / Do laundry / Blind Hailey. WTF! She said she meant fix the blinds in my room but I'm not sure.

Make fun of Walmart all you like but walked into Macy's and immediately vomited. Perfume mixed with old is worse. Plus my guard was down.

If I said or did anything I would expect some people to care. Oh margarita you care? I'm good then.

If you trip me on the street and when I fall into the gutter and get covered in vomit AND you don't laugh. We can't ever be friends.

When I say I'm going to the back to get your order I mean down the street for a shot so don't wait up.

I sure hope this saves my place because this is the most longest book I've read. I'm just kidding I don't read books.

Be a bitch to me and you get the blouse the almost homeless chick just tried on. It's the retail version of spitting in your food.

Should start scaring women into buying more makeup by telling them the Kardashians aren't getting any younger & we could run out!

I have never been to Texas, married, on time for anything, fired, kidnapped, or fat. So I've got all that going for me.

All I've eaten today were a bunch of pumpkin seeds and swedish fish so I definitely think this shit is about to get really weird.