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If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.
I wish babies would stop saying hi to me while in the checkout line. I don't fucking know you. Don't talk to me.
Ladies, if your Facebook status is "It's Complicated" it's really not. It's simple, you have a shitty boyfriend, and you're co-dependent.
Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies.
"That feels good. That feels good. That feels good. That feels good. That feels good. I WILL BITE YOU!" --Cats
In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.
Text "You spilled your chai latte" to 90999 to donate $1 to the victims of the U.S. East Coast earthquake.
I don't want you anymore. Until you want someone else. Then you're mine. Until you want me again. Then I'm distant. But don't go anywhere.
Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never sold marijuana.
Roses are black. Violets are black. Life is black. My heart is black. Loneliness. Pain. Screams. A pony died in the forest. I shed no tears.
Girl look at that body. Girl look at that body. Girl look at that body. The coroner needs you to identify your dad.
Dear mom, thanks for letting me hide behind your butt when new people were scary.
If you listen carefully to a Black Eyed Peas album, you can hear the other two guys eating chips.
French people give me the crepes.
I think Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.
Silly Rabbit, Trix are for a culture of entitled white American children who are systematically fed a diet of high fructose corn syrup.
AT&T always treats me like I have no shirt and no shoes.
I always begin to think I'm becoming a man. Then I walk into a spider web...
THE COW SAYS: MOO!
THE PIG SAYS: OINK!
THE CAT SAYS: MEOW!
THE HORSE SAYS: MIRANDA! I HAD SEX WITH MR. BIG LAST NIGHT!
McGriddle Enthusiast,Once Was Forced To Sit Through 'CATS' With Poopy Underwear. RESPECT THIS PINK TOWEL!*BEEP BOOP*