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OH: "You can have Wayne LaPierre's guns when you can pull his cold, dead head from his ass."
When I see "This Page Intentionally Left Blank" in a document I always hope that the next page will tell me why, but it never does.
Two whales in a bar. One says "mabaaooouuulaaaawaaawooowaaaammaaaaamalaaaooo". The other one says "Dude, you are SO wasted."
Seriously: 4-yr-old in street at 4am, drunk, dressed in a stolen dress. Mother's 21. Father's in jail. Tennessee. I got Bingo!
Dreading getting home this evening, when the wife will make me get the Rapture tree down from the fucking attic.
Breaking: -Glenn Beck frantically erasing and re-drawing parts of his blackboard, trying to make it all fit. TRYING TO MAKE IT ALL FIT!
Breaking: Bin Laden confused, all 72 virgins are male.
Next up from the Democrats is to make EVERYONE BUY AUTO INSURANCE in order to legally drive. What's that? Really? Okay, nm.
Finished my coffee, finally, and that toilet's not going to clog itself, so I'll see you all in about 15.
He really needs to stop plopping his hands down on the podium. Unless he wants to get a beat going, then it would be bad-ass.
Wow. You know you fucked up big if they're interviewing Mike Tyson for his opinion on your arrest.
"Congratulations! You failed a class so easy that people passing in the hallway get a CONTACT CREDIT!"
"Let's take a dump," I said in my head. I knew that I meant a "dump" of the database as a backup, but inside my head chuckled anyway.