I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can't buy happiness.

Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I'm a die hard romantic.

When someone posts a pic here, I am the nerd who tries to read the titles of their books on a shelf behind them.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

As a child, I could be anything. As an adult, I just wanna be that child.

"Our son has raped 2 girls, I think he's trying to tell us that he needs to get married." ~ Haryana parents.

I loved my job so much, I set it free...

You can't spell multitasking without tits. I forget where I was going with this.

When you point at someone, 3 fingers point at you.
Instead, use your penis to point, the nuts aren't judgemental.

As per my last count, an average guy here has: 3 wives, 7 mistresses, 5 gfs, 2.5 kids, 3 dogs, 2 cats, 9 dead kittens, & 1053 dead hookers.

With their experience in toys, strange LEGO hasn't made a vibrator. Its dotted, extend-able & women wont have to hide it when in-laws visit.

Yes, loved you as a nuclear physicist in other movies.
RT @zoomtv Ameesha Patel: It was difficult for me to play a dumb character in Race 2

I couldn't care less about correcting people who use 'I could care less' instead.

"I will take a break from twitter" is the new "I am never, ever, drinking again."

My spirit animal ate my homework.

Going by how well my ex from hell is doing, I'd have to agree that Karma is a bitch that takes care of her own kind.

You say a new plant for the cubicle, I say thank you for saving me a trip to the bathroom And coffee room to spit in your mug.

Some mistakes never learn from people.