Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Living with two females in a house with two bathrooms means I never get to use the bathroom.
Only reason I know who's playing in the SuperBowl is because they're from the 2 states that legalized...Umm......What were we talking about?
Either I'm at a party with Darius Rucker & RuPaul right now or this stuff I took is finally kicking in.
Of course the New Jersey state flag has a severed horse's head on it. It's the Mafia's version of the Illuminati Pyramid
Watching the Jobs movie from my Android tablet through my Chromecast to my Samsung TV as I tweet about it on my Windows PC.
Someone at this party is already puking. My brother's 2 year old just can't hang
Sure I can still hang like I used to! Just let me take this nap first.
Fellas, wherever you go tonight, hit on every girl with the line "You da hottest bitch in this place!" If it works you'll be my hero
You know you're drunk when you think it's 2 in the morning and it's only 7PM
Do they teach a "Typing on Touchscreens" class in schools yet? Kids need important life skills to prepare for the real world
Thanks for the air conditioning at your establishment in December.
The worst genre of music is alarm clock music
During this Thanksgiving and every other holiday I am thankful for Copy and Paste on text messages.
Why did the hipster iron wrinkles INTO his shirt? He wanted to do things IRONically.
This why I don't tweet much anymore. Welcome!
I have some real zingers in my draft folder, guys, but I don't think you're ready for those yet. Trapped in @randyocalypse's freezer.