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At an Italian wedding. Can I force the father of the bride to grant me a favor today, or have I just been watching too much Godfather?
"Did you bring a phone charger by any chance?" - How people greet each other at wedding receptions these days.
If you need proof that you're not young anymore, look up this year's Coachella lineup and see how many bands you recognize.
Our future selves will be laughing at us always charging our phones, like, all the time. Fuck them & their super 3 month future batteries.
I like all your artsy pics of sunsets, your coffee, your dog, etc, only so I don't seem too pervy just liking your scantily clad selfies.
Living with two females in a house with two bathrooms means I never get to use the bathroom.
Only reason I know who's playing in the SuperBowl is because they're from the 2 states that legalized...Umm......What were we talking about?
Either I'm at a party with Darius Rucker & RuPaul right now or this stuff I took is finally kicking in.
Of course the New Jersey state flag has a severed horse's head on it. It's the Mafia's version of the Illuminati Pyramid
Watching the Jobs movie from my Android tablet through my Chromecast to my Samsung TV as I tweet about it on my Windows PC.
Someone at this party is already puking. My brother's 2 year old just can't hang
Sure I can still hang like I used to! Just let me take this nap first.
Fellas, wherever you go tonight, hit on every girl with the line "You da hottest bitch in this place!" If it works you'll be my hero
You know you're drunk when you think it's 2 in the morning and it's only 7PM
Do they teach a "Typing on Touchscreens" class in schools yet? Kids need important life skills to prepare for the real world
Thanks for the air conditioning at your establishment in December.
I have some real zingers in my draft folder, guys, but I don't think you're ready for those yet. Trapped in @randyocalypse's freezer.