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When a friend sends a screenshot of their phone and you see their battery life at 7% and you start to shudder even when it's not your phone
*hits up Travelocity for a trip to Cuba*
Going to your spouse's work holiday party is just like going to a totally super fun party minus the totally super fun party part
"Isn't Al home by himself right now?"
- My neighbors, as the sound of Taylor Swift's Shake It Off blasts through my open windows
A progress bar, but for when your wife is telling a story so I know how much time is left
Alex From Target emoji. Someone get on that.
When you go to Target with the wife for just one thing and she grabs a shopping cart on the way in
I'm still trying to understand why Nick Fury isn't a white guy anymore
You know you're too lame to be out on Saturday night when you glance at the TV over the bar and get mad when you realize you're missing SNL
Open to everyone (unlike all those times you were snuffed in high school)! https://twitter.com/FrederickTweet/status/493426412351528960 …
Your face is a blooper reel.
I just saw a twenty something buy some music CDs for himself and not for his grandmother and now I don't know what's real anymore
Since a lot of people post screenshots of their tweets on Instagram, I'm gonna start describing my Instagram pics on here
I miss when we were all younger and sluttier
If you really loved me, you'd understand why I have to RT other people.
I have some real zingers in my draft folder, guys, but I don't think you're ready for those yet.
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