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Not many things annoy me more than anyone who says "turnt up".
Dad told Mom she's skinny and needs to eat more right before our Mother's Day dinner so she doesn't feel guilty indulging. Dad's a player.
Instagramming your breakfast in bed can get a bit risque
Long line at the bagel shop of guys too lazy to make breakfast for the mother of their children is taking forever to be too lazy for mine
RIP Hugh Hefner.
He's alive and well, I just want to say it first so I can accuse everyone of stealing my tweet when he bites it one day
It's disturbing how much we feed off each other
Cinco de fuck you I'm already hungover
The beers are cheaper than the non-alcoholic beverages here. Cheers to being frugal!
I just read a magazine. With pages I had to turn. I even got a paper cut. One day, we'll talk about experiences like this like it was polio
I'm having a really hard time figuring out which song from each artist to add to my One Hit Wonders playlist
Remember to say "You're a good person" & "You're so strong " periodically in any conversation you have w a woman if you like getting laid
Always a line at the convenience store from all the people buying scratch offs.
Fucking addicts, I'm trying to buy cigarettes here!
Sext: When did you change your password?
Nothing like running into an old buddy who's starred in a bunch of big movies to make you reevaluate your life. Well I have you guys, right?
I have some real zingers in my draft folder, guys, but I don't think you're ready for those yet.