Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Some people are like Slinky’s. Pretty much useless but make you smile when you push them down the stairs.

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Sarcasm isn't an option, it comes with the package. If you can't handle it, don't come near me

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I’m smiling. This should scare you.

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Would like to say sorry! To all the people that I haven't offended or pissed off today! Look at the bright side there's always tomorrow!

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

I quit smoking today. So far, I dont want a smoke, but I do want to choke the shit out of everyone that's whistling and happy!

A good laugh, spanking and orgasm are good for any woes.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Anytime my boss asks me to takes notes, I think this better be under 140 characters, fucker!

Sittin on couch & hubs shakes his weiner at me, winks & goes to the room. I knew what was up...fml I haven't had any sleep!

I hate stupid people that you have to tell the same information to over and over again!

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

I don't work in an office. I work in hell with fluorescent lighting.

Hubs wants to know if he flies to another timezone, fucks and flies back, is it still cheating bc of the time difference. I said YES dumbass

Quit DMing me you fucking perv! I will NOT send you "hot shots" as you keep requesting. I am not yours to look at! Fucking perv