I don't care what you fuckers say, being in total and complete love with your wife is the coolest thing ever.

Sometimes, haikus suck.
This is a good example.
Refrigerator.

I still call it "partying", even if I'm in my own house, alone.

The only real reason I would want a daughter, would be to punch a teenage boy in the face.

Look, alcoholism is a disease. Probably the best one.

Just pulled a giant splinter outta my finger with my teeth. So, I don't wanna hear about child birth, ladies.

I like farts that sound like questions.

My penis always looks weird pressed against the department store window.

I don't want your attention when I retweet you a lot. I want other people to give you attention.

I have free candy for all of you!




Not really stupid, just get in the van.

I only get drunk on days.

I know this isn't WebMD, but I'm pretty sure one of you could tell me the first signs of liver failure.

Every time I kill a spider, I rip my shirt off and flex...

Listen guys, its not my fault my tweets are retarded... I learned it by watching you.

What exactly is "awesome sauce", and how can I get some without doing something weird?

Subtweets are like going outside and whispering "hey. I'm talking to you."

Everytime I think I've got it together, I just drink another beer, and... What were we talking about?

Just watched MTV for 5 minutes, and now I fucking hate you kids...

Sometimes, I wish you guys read more books.

"give peas a chance"- Yoko Ono, to a six year old