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I don't care what you fuckers say, being in total and complete love with your wife is the coolest thing ever.
Sometimes, haikus suck.
This is a good example.
I still call it "partying", even if I'm in my own house, alone.
The only real reason I would want a daughter, would be to punch a teenage boy in the face.
Look, alcoholism is a disease. Probably the best one.
Just pulled a giant splinter outta my finger with my teeth. So, I don't wanna hear about child birth, ladies.
I like farts that sound like questions.
My penis always looks weird pressed against the department store window.
I don't want your attention when I retweet you a lot. I want other people to give you attention.
I have free candy for all of you!
Not really stupid, just get in the van.
I only get drunk on days.
I know this isn't WebMD, but I'm pretty sure one of you could tell me the first signs of liver failure.
Every time I kill a spider, I rip my shirt off and flex...
Listen guys, its not my fault my tweets are retarded... I learned it by watching you.
What exactly is "awesome sauce", and how can I get some without doing something weird?
Subtweets are like going outside and whispering "hey. I'm talking to you."
Everytime I think I've got it together, I just drink another beer, and... What were we talking about?
Just watched MTV for 5 minutes, and now I fucking hate you kids...
Sometimes, I wish you guys read more books.
"give peas a chance"- Yoko Ono, to a six year old
I don't consider it losing followers. It's more like, finding assholes.