This bitch in front of me, swerving all over the fucking road, better be tweeting some seriously funny shit.

I bet cutters really hate it when life hands them lemons.

Decisions are just regrets waiting to happen.

What could you possibly eat that would lead to a situation where claw marks are left on a toilet seat? I'm asking because I'm scared.

The rhythm method of birth control is why we have so many white babies.

Whenever I see a guy under 50 driving below the speed limit at 5:00 PM, I just assume his wife is a huge fucking bitch.

My get up and go just beat the shit out of your sit there and watch.

The only thing cooler than a family band is EVERYTHING FUCKING ELSE.

Success is just failure fucking with you.

The boss doesn't like it when I set my IM status to "inebriated" after lunch.

Sometimes I feel too much. Then I run before I get arrested.

I just got lotion on my iPhone. That's all I'm willing to disclose.

If this shitty weather doesn't let up, I'm not going have enough depression left for the winter.

I woke up on your mom's side of the bed today.

Nothing in this country faces a greater threat of extinction than respect.

I thought I got banned from Favrd, but then I checked my stream and realized I hadn't said anything funny since 3rd grade.

Breaking News: iPad saves cargo pant industry.

The warning labels on cigarettes would be more effective if they came with a timeline.

I was thinking about cutting back on my drinking, but I'm afraid I might discover that my unrealized potential is really just missing.

I'm not accusing the lawn of being promiscuous per se, but there sure is a lot of crab grass.