Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
This bitch in front of me, swerving all over the fucking road, better be tweeting some seriously funny shit.
I bet cutters really hate it when life hands them lemons.
Decisions are just regrets waiting to happen.
What could you possibly eat that would lead to a situation where claw marks are left on a toilet seat? I'm asking because I'm scared.
The rhythm method of birth control is why we have so many white babies.
Whenever I see a guy under 50 driving below the speed limit at 5:00 PM, I just assume his wife is a huge fucking bitch.
My get up and go just beat the shit out of your sit there and watch.
The only thing cooler than a family band is EVERYTHING FUCKING ELSE.
Success is just failure fucking with you.
The boss doesn't like it when I set my IM status to "inebriated" after lunch.
Sometimes I feel too much. Then I run before I get arrested.
I just got lotion on my iPhone. That's all I'm willing to disclose.
If this shitty weather doesn't let up, I'm not going have enough depression left for the winter.
I woke up on your mom's side of the bed today.
Nothing in this country faces a greater threat of extinction than respect.
I thought I got banned from Favrd, but then I checked my stream and realized I hadn't said anything funny since 3rd grade.
Breaking News: iPad saves cargo pant industry.
The warning labels on cigarettes would be more effective if they came with a timeline.
I was thinking about cutting back on my drinking, but I'm afraid I might discover that my unrealized potential is really just missing.
I'm not accusing the lawn of being promiscuous per se, but there sure is a lot of crab grass.