If a woman asked me out on a date, I would let her buy me dinner then kiss her goodnight at my door, because I've got hookers waiting inside

There was a time when being followed made me nervous, but now if someone's snooping around outside my house, I figure I'm just hilarious.

I'm angry at your tweet that starts out like the set up to a joke, then just turns into actual information. Do I look like I'm made of time?

The only thing that bugs me about twitter is that I can't repeat some of your tweets back to you with that mocking retard voice.

James Franco is the new James Dean if James Dean went to college and still didn't learn anything and had a little down syndrome in him.

I was thirteen before I realized my name wasn't- Bring Me My Cigarettes.

If you call me right after I text you, as soon as we hang up I'm removing you from my phone, my life, and my memories.

If your baby stroller is half the width of the sidewalk, I'm taking your baby.

I use to agonize over forming a perfect tweet, but now I just write whatever shit I'm thinking. Case in point. My balls smell like lavender

Come on, no one is too ugly to use their real face as their avi, unless you're ugly on the inside, then of course, we'll all be able to tell

Sure you're attractive and I'd love to come back to your place, but I can smell the monogamy on your sensible blouse.

Scientists have discovered a cure for Oprah in laboratory rats.

I've go so many bots following me, I'm afraid if I tweet the wrong combination of key words in one tweet, I could destroy the internet.

I don't have a type. I like fat or thin, beautiful or having been seriously burned. Smart or midwestern, Funny or Sarah Silverman.

If I ever have kids, I hope I never find out about it. Ya can't be a dead beat dad if mom's too embarrassed to admit she fucked you.

Look, I know my tweets aren't as funny as most of you, but some of yours read like the A.D.D. diary entries of an Alzheimer patient.

I wrote my twitter address on some bricks and tossed them through a few windows to see if I could attract any new followers to my account.

Don't you hate it when your tea's too hot to drink so you let it cool off, but you forget and it gets cold, so you drink a pint of scotch?

One of my first followers has recently become a member of the twitter elite. He JUST unfollowed me, because I'm not funny & I forgot to bow

If there IS a zombie apocalypse, I hope the zombies are high budget. I'd hate to get eaten because I was rolling my eyes & saying "fake."