Homeostasis is the delicate balance of attracting new followers with tweets that also bore/insult current followers.

“Facts are the enemy of truth. ” Don Quixote and Most Republicans

The fucking I'm getting this week isn't the fucking I was hoping for

Warning I'm allergic to nuts so from now on all tweeters use alternate terms i.e.ballsack,love spuds,man tonsils,hanging brain,or kerbangers

I thought I knew you and then POOF you go and change your avi and I have to start the fantasy all over again

Watching TV, Japan with my daughter, She seriously asserted "Oh I know about nuclear reactors" "Oh really, from where? " Ah, the Simpsons!"

If Twiiter can't keep an accurate count of your followers (it can't) Does it really matter how many you have? Its the quality, not quantity.

Why do they call it a 'cockpit' ? When the jet is being flown by a woman pilot. shouldn't we call it a 'cuntpit'? #justasking

I had a spiritual awakening yesterday and decided to be celibate to focus my 'chi'.This morning my gal pal sucked it right back outta me.

The difference between having 'sexual congress' and our political 'Congress'? One refers to lovemaking while the other refers to a gangrape.

Top of the morning to ya lassies. I'm celebrating the day by drinking Bushmills Irish Whiskey and just puked green on my self. Kiss me.

Some people say there is no right way or wrong way. They obviously don't drive

Some women don't realize just how beautiful they are after just using a wash cloth and some moisturizer.

Grandpa's an old deaf hippy.last at dinner I asked him if he wanted pot roast.He looked a little puzzled,said he didn't smoke that anymore.

Sometimes I feel like the Andy Kaufman of tweets. Embarrassing myself with inane tweets hopefully will make you laugh.

Yes, I'm glad I'm not the only one who got caught licking the inside of a yogurt lid just as my boss walked in.

Me: "Go shove it where the sun don't shine." Girlfriend: " Why so picky?"

OK so new research is marijuana does not cause erectile dysfunction. there blows that theory. maybe it is the massive amounts of coke.

I just got back from a wild weekend at Occupy Wall street and what a party.
I didn't know unemployment was the key getting laid

Its hump day,get over it.