I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them the note.

We wouldn't have so many scary movies if white people didn't love exploring the fucking woods at night.

I'm that asshole that holds the door open for you when you're 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

My neighbors are watching me get undressed. What a bunch of creeps. I'm going back inside the house!

I hate when cops don't honor a "time out" when chasing me on foot.

Someone asked me where i stood on the whole immigration debate. Told him i was on the fence.

There's absolutely no way to eat a ice cream cone, and look gangster while doing it.

When I die, I'm going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

Hey, everyone riding around in old cop cars. Stop that.

"I have to pee" ~ girls, all the time.

If you purchased rims before you purchased insurance. You might be Mexican.

"This one time in band camp" I'm J/K I'm Mexican, I didn't go to fucking band camp. I'd be more like "this one time, at summer school"

My black coworker finished a conversation without saying "you know what I'm saying?" now I have no clue what the hell he's saying.

My new neighbor is being a real asshole about giving me his wifi password.

Mexicans would be killing dinosaurs right now to make pointy fucking boots out of them if they weren't extinct.

Mexicans been writing on walls way before Facebook.

"listen up, I'm only going to show you this once!" ~ suicide bomber teacher.

I always give a white name when I sign in at Ihop. Like Brent Wood. I also always forget that I gave a fake name, so I always get skipped.

Using my iPhone while charging is the closest I'll feel what it's like to be in jail.

"it would look better if it was lowered." ~ Mexicans