Eating pussy will get you further than kissing ass.

I like the taste of drunk.

The only thing I take seriously is drinking.

I look better naked. And when you're drunk.

My favorite drinking game is unprotected sex.

I woke up and puked my guts out. That's how good I feel about the American dream.

I would totally dress up like a dinosaur and let him hit it from the back.

I wish every time I read 'swag' on Facebook I could punch a baby in the face.

If you didn't want to get dry humped, maybe you shouldn't have fallen asleep.

Him: Jesus, I can't drink this straight, don't you have anything to go with this booze??
Me: Yeah. My vagina.

I wonder what the super moon is doing right now

If there was a soundtrack to my life, it would be the clanking of ice in my glass. Bitches.

Tie me up and lock me in your closet like you love me.

I just accidentally fell asleep for 20 min with a half of a Girl Scout cookie in my mouth. #thuglife

I can't make you want to make me happy. But I can Viagra and chloroform your ass. Pussy.

When life gives you lemons... whatever, I'm getting fucking drunk.

Just unfollowed almost every girl in my timeline. Because I don't care what you have to say.

I'm counting things that are gay. You're all I have on the list right now.

The walk of shame isn't as bad in a coture dress that is worth more than I am....

Shout out to this 3rd box of chocolate milk I've drank today. Stay up homie.