People who stop masturbating once they're in a relationship are stupid. What are you gonna do with those extra orgasms, send them to Africa?

The worst part of being gay is that I can't masturbate to your nude pics without judging your interior design choices.

Oh, I see your tweets are protected. I already couldn't care less about what the fuck you've got to say.

My reaction to "Don't I know you from Twitter?" would look a lot like my reaction to "2 Girls 1 Cup".

People who have sex with the lights on are obviously better at suppressing the urge to use air quotes during moans of pleasure.

My mom thinks the Internet has a bad effect on me cause I pushed her down the stairs this morning. To be fair, I thought she was pregnant.

There should be a horror movie about a guy who has to change printer cartridges while being watched and silently judged by other people.

The worst part about being a guy is that I never had the chance to give birth in a high school bathroom.

If I'm having sex with someone and he needs more than five minutes to have an orgasm, I get really uncomfortable and fake my own death.

Just saw a young girl who cut off her doll's hair and put a band-aid over her mouth.
Pretty sure I just found my soulmate.

I'm starting a club for people who love movies where characters cut off their own hair and / or punch mirrors when they're really sad.

I'm sitting on a bus and there's a copy of 'The Catcher in the Rye' on the empty seat next to me. Thanks for the subtle hint, universe.

Oh my God, you guys! I just found out that Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse and now I'm totally gonna tweet about that!

It's a nice day to drink wine from a McFlurry cup and yell random profanities at passing vehicles.

My piggy bank's hymen grew back.

All I want for Christmas is my own perfume commercial where I say random words like 'hope' and 'passion' & look like a date rape victim.

Since the guys make fun of overweight girls and the women make fun of skinny girls, I'm going to focus all my hate on normal sized girls.

If our first date doesn't end with us watching Futurama in our underwear and at least twenty minutes of groping, I won't call you again.

I just bit into a burger that was still a little raw on the inside and the complete fourth season of "Xena" flashed before my eyes.

I just told my boyfriend that Twitter is so 'Buffy' and Facebook is so 'Charmed'. So yeah, I probably don't deserve to have friends.