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I don't know why people complain when others retweet all the time. Some of the funniest people I follow I found because of that.
Nothing more satisfying then learning a girl who used to be mean to you is a stripper now.
At the end of the day... At least I'm not pregnant.
Some call it being an alcoholic, I just say I like to party on my own so I'm the only witness to my stupidity
My life was the awkward moment until I met whiskey.
My life is still an awkward moment, I just care less now.
I'll cook you dinner, rub your back, be a lady in public and drink beer with your friends.
But if I can't be dirty in the bedroom, I'm out.
When the first words of your tweet are "retweet if..." I no longer fucking care what you have to say.
I'm naked under my clothes.
I knew I was a slut.
When a guy gives me the up and down, I feel like I look good. When a girl gives me the up and down I know I look good.
Tonight I'm getting drunk with my boyfriend, well, twitter crush, wait, fuck buddy?
Tonight I'm getting drunk alone.
I'm single as fuck.
Society expects women to be skinny AND have huge tits. Excuse me society, but you've obviously never had to go jogging with D cups.
The fastest way to my heart is a grilled cheese and a beer. The fastest way into my pants is a shot of whiskey and a cupcake.
Instagram is the leading cause of disappointment when you meet someone in person.
But then alcohol puts the filter back on and it's ok.
Do you ever wonder if butterfingers were named after a really hot girl with ugly hands?
They say you can drown in only 6 inches of water. I can be that shallow.
Come drown in me.
We might not be good for each other.
But we're certainly not good for anyone else.
I would drink till I stopped thinking your an asshole, but I really don't want alcohol poisoning again.
My emergency kit contains nothing but whiskey, sandwiches + a vibrator If the end of the world is here Im going out drunk full and satisfied
I never fuck around. Unless I'm naked. Because that's when fucking around is desirable.
If you think drinking alone is a problem...
Well then you're obviously not me.
I'm kind of like Fox News. Full of shit, but for some reason people still listen. http://favstar.fm/users/Yoursexellence